4 Years ago today
Well four years ago today \I was on my way to my regular prenatal check-up when It turned out to be the worse and last one for thst pregnancy. Before I got there I had this gut feeking something was wrong. I was 27ish weeks pregnant almost 28 weeks. I remember like it was yesterday.
The night before I really didnt feel her moving and a week before that i had lost my mucus plug. All my obgyn did was send me the the hospital for a urine sample. After feeling what I thought was the baby moving and feeling like I was going to pass out I didnt know what to do and what was normal. I thought it was okay bc I thought she was movong but she wasnt... it was contractions.
Well when I got into the doctors office and waiting in the table she did the regular blood pressure check and any concerns I had and the fetal heart beat. Thats when my world stopped. We could not find it no matter how hard we tried. So then they said lets get an internal ultrasound and see if that works bc the baby could be in a weird position.
So my obgyn hurried me in the other room my heart now pounding outta my chest and al lI could think was omg my baby please god please daddy help her let it be okay. Well the obgyn did the internal and just had this look on her face that I knew then something was wrong. She turned the screen but before she did I took a quick look. All I seen was a bundle of ball looking mass in the lower right hand corner.
She looked at me and said "I'm So sorry hunny" All I could do was say no no please no. This cant be "how"? "Why"? Its all my fault I did this because I went to the amusement park its my fault. She then told me "You need to call someone so they can get you to the hospital to confirm the death" I then lost it and begin to cry but still was in denial. I was just like its okay they will induce me and I will have her and shes going to be okay. "Its gonna be okay" Thats all I could say.
I call my SO and my mom and tell then. We get to the hospital and of course they confirm a late miscarrage. At this point I was losong it I just went blank. They get me in the room and start pitocin. The whole night I was thinking shes gonna make it shes gonna make it. But I knew she was already gone. All I could do was hold my stomache and talk to her and ask my dad who passed away to watch over me and let things be okay.
Well the next day Oct 13th things begin to pick up. I asked for the Epi and got it. Then 3pm rolls around and I was feeling it was almost time. I had so mant emotions in me I could not function. 330 comes and she was here. The whole time I pushed was kinda a blur bc I was in such denial. As soon as she come out they whippe dher away I got a glimps. She was no bigger than the doctors hand. She was 1lb 13oz 11in.
After they got the placenta out the took that away also for testing. THe chromosomes in baby were normal and the placenta was ripped which explained the hardly no fluid situation. The cord also was aroung my babys neck and that was the reason she passed. Madyson Nichole was what I named her. nurses had come back in and asked me if I wanted to hold and say goodbye to my baby. My response "NO" What the fuck was I thinking. They kept comming in and asking me bc pretty soon she was gonna be sent away for an otopsy. I just was in so much Denial I refused to.
I dont have regrets in life but this is the one thing I do REGRET! I should have held my baby girl. What was I thinking. I needed to give her love for the last time. And I didnt. What kind of mom am I? Seriously. I know she knows that I love her and I just could not bare to hold her. For weeks I did nothing but cry and lay on the couch.
Boy do I miss her. The funeral was hard and although every year makes it easier to cope it really dont heal the open hole in my heart and never will. I do not wish for anyone to have to experience this. I miss my angel.
RIP
Madyson Nichole Smiley
Sorry this is soooooooooooooooo Long I really needed to get that out. Im on the verge of a breakdown...
Untill Next time
Live laugh Love
Kat
The night before I really didnt feel her moving and a week before that i had lost my mucus plug. All my obgyn did was send me the the hospital for a urine sample. After feeling what I thought was the baby moving and feeling like I was going to pass out I didnt know what to do and what was normal. I thought it was okay bc I thought she was movong but she wasnt... it was contractions.
Well when I got into the doctors office and waiting in the table she did the regular blood pressure check and any concerns I had and the fetal heart beat. Thats when my world stopped. We could not find it no matter how hard we tried. So then they said lets get an internal ultrasound and see if that works bc the baby could be in a weird position.
So my obgyn hurried me in the other room my heart now pounding outta my chest and al lI could think was omg my baby please god please daddy help her let it be okay. Well the obgyn did the internal and just had this look on her face that I knew then something was wrong. She turned the screen but before she did I took a quick look. All I seen was a bundle of ball looking mass in the lower right hand corner.
She looked at me and said "I'm So sorry hunny" All I could do was say no no please no. This cant be "how"? "Why"? Its all my fault I did this because I went to the amusement park its my fault. She then told me "You need to call someone so they can get you to the hospital to confirm the death" I then lost it and begin to cry but still was in denial. I was just like its okay they will induce me and I will have her and shes going to be okay. "Its gonna be okay" Thats all I could say.
I call my SO and my mom and tell then. We get to the hospital and of course they confirm a late miscarrage. At this point I was losong it I just went blank. They get me in the room and start pitocin. The whole night I was thinking shes gonna make it shes gonna make it. But I knew she was already gone. All I could do was hold my stomache and talk to her and ask my dad who passed away to watch over me and let things be okay.
Well the next day Oct 13th things begin to pick up. I asked for the Epi and got it. Then 3pm rolls around and I was feeling it was almost time. I had so mant emotions in me I could not function. 330 comes and she was here. The whole time I pushed was kinda a blur bc I was in such denial. As soon as she come out they whippe dher away I got a glimps. She was no bigger than the doctors hand. She was 1lb 13oz 11in.
After they got the placenta out the took that away also for testing. THe chromosomes in baby were normal and the placenta was ripped which explained the hardly no fluid situation. The cord also was aroung my babys neck and that was the reason she passed. Madyson Nichole was what I named her. nurses had come back in and asked me if I wanted to hold and say goodbye to my baby. My response "NO" What the fuck was I thinking. They kept comming in and asking me bc pretty soon she was gonna be sent away for an otopsy. I just was in so much Denial I refused to.
I dont have regrets in life but this is the one thing I do REGRET! I should have held my baby girl. What was I thinking. I needed to give her love for the last time. And I didnt. What kind of mom am I? Seriously. I know she knows that I love her and I just could not bare to hold her. For weeks I did nothing but cry and lay on the couch.
Boy do I miss her. The funeral was hard and although every year makes it easier to cope it really dont heal the open hole in my heart and never will. I do not wish for anyone to have to experience this. I miss my angel.
RIP
Madyson Nichole Smiley
Sorry this is soooooooooooooooo Long I really needed to get that out. Im on the verge of a breakdown...
Untill Next time
Live laugh Love
Kat
Comments
Post a Comment